Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
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I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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