Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
