i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
