Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
