How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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