I think i sorta joined a cult last night
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
