My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
