giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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