I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize