Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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