I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
