There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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