Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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