I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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