It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away