I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners