I wannas sexs uuuuu
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
