Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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