I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
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took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Can I color on your dick again?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
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