last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
