Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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