The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This baby is an asshole
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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