I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
