this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
