I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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