Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
