If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
