I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
