it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
