Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
