hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
