Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
