she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
