put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
