How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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