Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
