And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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