At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
