I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
3pm strippers are depressing
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
