Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Randomize
