life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
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