Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
