I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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