you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
