2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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