Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
