Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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