i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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