Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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