Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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