The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
