You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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