You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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