I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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