so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Randomize
