today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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