I molested 6 butterflies tonight
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
